#121: a journal entry

I wrote this post initially for the3six5 project’s, April 7th entry.

Kinda foofy and banal, but it was a lazy day for me anyway–and those were my actual thoughts as I was writing at the uni’s library–a short interlude before getting on with my assignments.

Click for original read: http://the3six5.posterous.com/april-7-2012-natasha-sim.
——

April 7 is my mum’s birthday. I texted her early from my end of the country wishing her a happy birthday. Got a call soon after with her and dad telling me their plans for the day. There isn’t much I can do to celebrate with her, being literally across the ocean from my family.

I miss home. Mt Kinabalu is no longer within my sight.

Four years living in the ‘big city’ (Kuala Lumpur) and I still don’t think I belong here. People say it takes time to settle in, but how much time? On a day like this, when I know home is where I should be, I do feel a tad bit saddened. Maybe I moved out too young,when friends were still stuck figuring things out.

Also been thinking about the state of my country. I guess being away and especially moving out into the capital opens your eyes a little bit more. I’ve gained exposure and this is not just in terms of personal life. Malaysia’s on the verge of something…big. I don’t know if ‘revolution’ is a right word for it but there’s definitely something bubbling within a society that’s tired of the government. I’m tired.

Reading the news these days can be a drag. Just yesterday, I saw a report about a ballet troupe from overseas being banned from performing here due to “indecent costume”—their ballet tutu’s. Then there was some government body announcing that they’re banning radio/tv shows with LGBT representation. A month ago, Erykah Badu was banned from performing because of the word ‘Allah’ spray-tattooed on her body, in fear of “enraging Muslims”.

“BAN”, likely the government’s most favorite word.

I think of how stupid the government is. How stupid it is to have a constitution which gives you a higher societal status based on race and religion. I get so angry thinking about things like this. Maybe me being rage-y about the political climate is a sign of what I will become. Don’t know what I’ll do just yet but one thing’s for sure; I can’t stand the injustice. I can’t stay just angry for too long. I can’t be a kid forever.

Christmas this year feels machinated.

Everything moves like clockwork — “in the spirit of giving”; gifts; shopping; more gifts; presents wrapped crudely with pink wrapping paper plastered with hearts; the shrill, unforgiving sounds of carolers bombarding lawnyards of singing praises to a Jesus/God I have problems with; more shopping; the plastic ads screaming “ohey, it’s Christmas!!! 50% sales!!?!?!! buy more!”; consumption, indulgence, luxury; plastic spray painted in silver and gold.

Christmas approximates itself in a tacky performance, I don’t want to indulge in.
When did I come to hate Christmas so?

I would blame it
on daylight growing thin
(if I could)

(But the world fleeting
ephemeral beauty
sunsets tread on water)

and days hummed
monotony
are the mind’s dissolution
to a weary loss

We all bathe in half-truths anyway–
swimming in a murky sea

So when the time comes and we’re all found out, there really is no reason to be upset. We’re fucked one way or another. Disappointment comes in the fact that you were not wary, that you were not constantly nitpicking on the details with what little light you have underneath it all.

I lie to myself to be fair,
I am afraid of my own thoughts.