#121: a journal entry

I wrote this post initially for the3six5 project’s, April 7th entry.

Kinda foofy and banal, but it was a lazy day for me anyway–and those were my actual thoughts as I was writing at the uni’s library–a short interlude before getting on with my assignments.

Click for original read: http://the3six5.posterous.com/april-7-2012-natasha-sim.

April 7 is my mum’s birthday. I texted her early from my end of the country wishing her a happy birthday. Got a call soon after with her and dad telling me their plans for the day. There isn’t much I can do to celebrate with her, being literally across the ocean from my family.

I miss home. Mt Kinabalu is no longer within my sight.

Four years living in the ‘big city’ (Kuala Lumpur) and I still don’t think I belong here. People say it takes time to settle in, but how much time? On a day like this, when I know home is where I should be, I do feel a tad bit saddened. Maybe I moved out too young,when friends were still stuck figuring things out.

Also been thinking about the state of my country. I guess being away and especially moving out into the capital opens your eyes a little bit more. I’ve gained exposure and this is not just in terms of personal life. Malaysia’s on the verge of something…big. I don’t know if ‘revolution’ is a right word for it but there’s definitely something bubbling within a society that’s tired of the government. I’m tired.

Reading the news these days can be a drag. Just yesterday, I saw a report about a ballet troupe from overseas being banned from performing here due to “indecent costume”—their ballet tutu’s. Then there was some government body announcing that they’re banning radio/tv shows with LGBT representation. A month ago, Erykah Badu was banned from performing because of the word ‘Allah’ spray-tattooed on her body, in fear of “enraging Muslims”.

“BAN”, likely the government’s most favorite word.

I think of how stupid the government is. How stupid it is to have a constitution which gives you a higher societal status based on race and religion. I get so angry thinking about things like this. Maybe me being rage-y about the political climate is a sign of what I will become. Don’t know what I’ll do just yet but one thing’s for sure; I can’t stand the injustice. I can’t stay just angry for too long. I can’t be a kid forever.

Religiousity (?)

Religion has become something un-beautiful. In all its ‘glory’, it has become something impersonal and ugly. It has become something people use to wage wars out of nothing. What is faith but merely a tool to impose beliefs–to force–individuals out of their own freewill; the freedom to exercise what they choose to value. There no longer is purity and peace and unification. There is no respect, no discussions, no dialogue. There no longer exists any close-to form of religious contemplation but only strict adherence to something we’re not even close to understanding (the system, maybe). There is no God; just minds set out to destroy—destroy the beauty, the tradition, the culture, the freedom, the truth. Everything is lost in between power, politics, misconstrued ideologies and religious artifices.

We’re losing God day by day, if only we’d realize.

But what do I know about God?

You know sometimes it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference between longing and pain and distress and pain and loneliness and longing; in-out, in-out, in-out like the piercing rhythmic flow of blood into capillaries into veins into chambers into muscle, making heart beat thump thump thump. Our heartbeat, the most significant exhibit of our spectrum of emotions; the most overly mentioned, overly used way of defining, well, feelings. How many of us have even heard our own beating hearts? As in, truly listen.

can’t continue, will try next time.

one hundred.

It’s easy if you try hard enough. Just take one leap, one hundred feet plunging. One hundred hands pulling you down. One hundred feelings of liberation. Inhale, exhale, the rhythmic pulse a hundred times quicker. Adrenaline, windswept locks, half crested smile. One hundred ways to do it, but you chose this. One leap. It’s the only way you tell yourself. Total and utter liberation. Sense? Yes, liberation; you keep telling yourself. A hundred voices whisper, a million thoughts running. Goodbye. Shut up, shut up, shut up. It’s the only way. You take the plunge, one hundred feet. Oh, how brave. It’s the only way. You close your eyes, a hundred flashes. The shutters slowly closing in on you. And then the inevitable – silence. Liberation.